In any relationship, whether it’s romantic, friendly, business, or any other kind, it’s easy to take on the role of a victim and feel disrespected, unappreciated and undervalued. In romance we might feel we’ve been used, taken advantage of, manipulated and mistreated. In friendships and familial relationships we may feel neglected, ignored or taken for granted. In business we might feel unappreciated, undervalued, underrated or belittled. No one is alone in these experiences. These thoughts and feelings are very common. They result in anger, anxiety and grief and lay the groundwork for arguments and conflicts. As always, we’re challenged to find a more positive perspective in order to restore happiness and peace of mind. In order to do this we need to find the positive value our relationships offer us. We need to consider the advantages they have to us, how they benefit us, how we gain and learn from them. We have to stop playing the role of victim and be an agent of our own peace and happiness. We can do this with the Light Inside Technique.
Being an agent of my own peace and happiness means I’m practicing self love and self respect. In whatever relationship I’m in, I’m working to have my own personal needs/desires met, while respecting the needs of others. I want respect, and I want to respect others. I want to be understood, and I want to understand others. These are the basics. In each relationship, in order to avoid feeling mistreated, unappreciated, etc, I have to instead focus on what I’m gaining from it. In terms of a romantic relationship, am I in it for fun, laughs, companionship, socialization, intimacy, compassion, love, friendliness? The list of possible reasons goes on. If the relationship is NOT fulfilling a positive purpose and adequate attempts have been made to rectify the situation, then it makes sense to seek fulfillment of our needs in other relationships.
I recently talked to a friend who told me he was in a relationship for a few years in which he felt “used.” That relationship ended and he is now in a new relationship in which he is again feeling unappreciated, neglected, and “used.” We talked for a brief moment about how the victim language and mentality may be justified and legitimate, but not necessarily useful in these situations. I asked him about what he thought he was gaining from his current and past relationships, about which of his needs he thought were being met. Right away he was able to think of postive things like fun, laughter, socialization, intimacy, and companionship. Letting go of the victim mindset for a moment and seeing how he was actually getting certain of his needs met, he was able to think more objectively about the current relationship and how it might be limiting to him. He talked about letting go of self judgment and dating other women as a way to search for a more compatible partner. He ended the conversation with a big smile and said “I should start thinking more like that.”
Letting go of victim language and mentality can free us to focus on being an agent of our own basic needs for love, respect, and happiness in our relationships. The victim perspective is a legitimate one, but so is the perspective of self respect and agency, and it’s far more rewarding!