LIT and 3 Steps for Overcoming Inner Conflict

We can all think of some person, or group, or life situation that has caused us frustration and grief. Whether it’s a major, life-disrupting issue that causes problems in all areas of our lives, or just something we can fuss about and get over relatively quickly, it happens to all of us. Sometimes we can get over it with exercise or some other kind of physical activity. Other times we might need to talk to a friend or someone we can trust. Sometimes we might seek help from a therapist or support group(s). The challenges are real and can make us feel stuck and frustrated, and if we don’t resolve the issue(s) we can lose our spirit of peace and radiate our frustrations out to others in our environment. Our inspiration, creativity and general sense of positivity and progress will diminish and we’ll feel the effects of frustration, anxiety, and sadness.

I’ve found there are 3 key steps to remember when trying to resolve grievances:

1. Do VERSes. VERS stands for Vent, Express, Release, Share. I find that we can do rounds of this, hence the name, VERSes. Whether you’re doing LIT on your own or with others, be sure to allow yourself to explore how the person or event made you feel and safely express those thoughts/feelings/emotions to the extent needed. Be humble and acknowledge how the person, group, or event made you feel and allow yourself to adequately vent, express, release and share this. This can be quite difficult at times. Can we acknowledge that what someone said or did made us angry? Can we acknowledge that we were hurt by others? Can we acknowledge when we feel used by another? Or abused, or mistreated? Or manipulated, or gaslighted, taken for granted, ignored, made to feel small or unnoticed or unworthy, embarrassed or intimidated? For some, this may be easy, but others may try to avoid acknowledging these feelings because they think it exposes weakness and gives the one(s) they’re angry at more power and control over them. I’ve been one to do that many times in my life. I didn’t want to admit that I felt taken advantage of or manipulated because that would be admitting that I had some weakness, and then I risk being “excluded from the group” because I’m not tough enough or smart enough. I’ve found, though, that following through with the other 2 steps below helps to resolve that issue. I’ve found that feeling embarrassed or intimidated or manipulated just fades away when considering the needs that we’re always trying to get met.
2. Remember that everyone is trying to get their needs met; their positive needs for love, acceptance, peace of mind, safety, security, respect, understanding, happiness, compassion, fun, health… and the list goes on. And those are just the “positive” needs! There’s also the need to vent/express/release/share, as we just mentioned. These can be ugly sometimes, especially if done in a harmful way or in the wrong setting or wrong time. In short, if we’re angry or sad or fearful, we may “act out.” In acting out, we’re attempting to release the negative thoughts/emotions but doing it in an unproductive and/or potentially harmful way. Lastly, regarding this step, we want to be able to acknowledge how each party was trying to get these needs met. Determine which needs you were trying to get met, and which needs they were trying to get met. This allows us to have compassion for both self and others.
3. Remember that we all make mistakes when trying to get our needs met. Anger, fear and grief, along with inexperience and lack of knowledge/understanding can result in mistakes for all of us. Mistakes are just inevitable, and they are a crucial part of the learning experience. Mistakes are lessons and we use them to help us grow and learn and develop, to become stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

When doing the Light Inside Technique, don’t worry about using these 3 “steps” in this order. It may be useful to go back and forth between them as you move through them. For example, when doing step 2 or 3 you may find you need to do more VERSes. Or, when acknowledging that someone was trying to get respect (step 2) but did so in a negative, offensive way, we might need to remember that we all make mistakes (step 3), and then return to step 2. In the end, though, you should be able to find that peace and love (positivity) are the underlying motives and goals for everyone, including the ones who bring us the most conflict and challenge!